Another Inmate kicked The Bucket And Marking My Fifth Birthday BehindBars.

“To spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness.” – Erich Fromm

Mon, 11 Aug 2014

Another week and so much lies ahead; uncertainties, hurdles and obstacles to faced and conquered or be demolished by those seen and unforeseeable forces that lurks within and amongst us and within the walls of the pavilion.

Like always, up to my morning rituals, my gayly lil mate always wait till the breakfast cart passed by before he rushes to brush his teeth; friggin can’t understand how the others engages in their early morning rantings with him. Well, it’s their cup of tea, talking of tea, I’m running out of my green tea, the last purchase was a massive one, had my consul bought me ten packets, wasn’t the best quality, but then, what is quality in prison? Not even the very humans slammed in here, many are fakes, dodgy and snitches like a mate calls them 😉

Got me ready for today’s workout, and also fine-tuned my mind to be ready for the unexpected or rather the expected and also get ready for the sarcasm that comes from the lads in the gym; a fool will talk because he just want to talk, but a wise man talks because he has something to say! I always tell the young lad in my cell that, lad can’t keep a minute silence without opening his mouth. The good thing about sarcasm, I used them as my rage to pump more iron and look mean in their eyes and little minds.

My young cellmate always recount what his father advised him “Always think before you speak”, but I doubt if in the moment of his ecstasy he does remember that. He made a very grave mistake by taking the jokes we all share amongst us to the locals; the young local inmate who trains with me, came looking for me while I was napping, and my young cellmate in high spirit and in his stupidity opened his big mouth and called me, saying “Tu Novia esta aqui” “Your girlfriend is here”…. the local, married and always going on conjugal visit with his missus, was about doing something vicious, but just my eyes top his stopped him; from the frown on his face, he was. dead-vexed. Had to take him out of the cell, and explain to him, that the lad is out of his mind. He should ask around, everyone knows the lad is bonkers.

He said, if not me, he would’ve marked him for death…. from what I know about the locals; he would have reported the incident to his mates, or gangs, they will be on the lookout for the young lad, whenever they get him in their trap, he’s a goner and nobody will know what hit him. Always two things with the local, maimed, disfigured or kill. They did that to our former president, being suspected as the snitch in the pavilion, someone gave the locals the job to hit him, but not to kill him; maimed and disfigured him, and that’s what they did. On one of his routines trip to the admin block, on his way back, a local approached him and asked him his name, he confirmed it, “Yes, I am” and what came next, only God knows, but he woke up in a wheelbarrow, bleeding from his mouth as he was wheeled to the unstaffed clinic.

Neither him nor anybody knows what the local inmate hit him with, but the lad battered his jaws, his mouth shifted like a camel chewing curds 😉

He spend about three months in the hospital, operations after operations, when he finally came back, he was disposed of his post as the president of the pavilion; a referendum took place for a new leader, non-violent coup d’etat and a new president was sworn in as he was seen as not fit for leadership (#PrisonPolitics). When he came back, he  couldn’t talk for months, fed on liquids or anything creamy. His mouth was like a piece of electrical gadget, all wired up, till date, he’s still living with some screws and wires in his mouth. Wondering when they are supposed to take them out, there are some inmates with braces when they were arrested and they have had them for years in their mouths, one has brraces for almost four years now. Yuurks!

That’s what the locals are capable of, and I later explain that to my young cellmate; reminded him of the only words he remembers of his father. He’s always saying, that his father told him “Think before you talk”. But I doubt he remembers that when he’s about to open his lousy big mouth and say any rubbish that comes into his loose head. But on this one, he sure learned something; something yet to happen, but can happen at any given day.  I have seen inmates get killed for uttering the wrong words to the wrong person or persons and at the wrong time and place (#Prison)! Lately I have been giving him no room to say anything stupid to me, got my way around them 😉

The gym was scanty as many are still sleeping off their weekend hangovers 😉

Started the week with a good Back and biceps workout, planned hitting chest, but all the bars were taken and in used, decided to improvised and had a badass back and biceps workout; that’s one thing prison has thought me, #AAI #Adapt #Adopt and #Improvised! Helps with survival! I do see inmates walk into the gym planning to do a body-part workout, everything they need for the specific exercise is taken, they just stand around waiting. Fuck it! Once I’m in, I’m in to get something done and achieve the purpose of going out there.

Not even in prison is Monday welcomed with open hands, except our visit mondays, when proper food and smuggled stuffs gets in;-), every other one meets the lads wanting to sleep off their hangovers.

The lads in my cell were out and about, rushed through my lunch, showered and washed my gym clothes. Had to recycled the water used to be use in the toilet as there’s no water in the pavilion and we are managing with what reserves we have individually.  Hope situation changes for the better.

Tues, 12 Aug 2014

Twitter: @Doingtimeabroad @PoeticPrisoner

Wed, 13 Aug 2014




Thurs, 14 Aug 2014




Fri, 15 Aug 2014

Up and about, had to rushed and cooked Ox feet soup before hitting the gym with a vengeance, hitting chest and triceps, went a bit late, and was scare of the priest coming for his friday’s mass, glad he didn’t show up today. Thus, had enough time for my intensive workout.

Ox foot or Cow foot is probably one of the cheapest chewable thing that comes from cow and is sold here. A pack costing $3 outside is sold for $8 and the pieces is enough for 10 people. So, I always for it, and make bad-ass soup with it, the lads will cook their oil-laden white rice which we eat with the soup. They love it most when they are on the benders, did surprised them once, cooked a pot full of cow foot while they were drinking, they ate well, but some foolish ones went back drinking and vomited 😉

Our water crisis is getting out of hand, there’s no water in the pavilion, and not even a drop of rainfall in the past days. Instead, we are being grilled by hot blazing sun, and the stench of foul odour emitting from our sweaty bodies, and the stinky stench of our drainage and sewage. Flies, rats and cockroaches are all over the place. Sometimes, you just get tired of fighting them; buying insecticides is like throwing money into the drain, who knows if they cans comes half-full; they had become expensive, that one has to think twice before investing money on extras here. I heard the locals in some pavilion are also affected by the water crisis and bad for them as they don’t stock water in tanks like we do, they won’t be having much reserves as we do. Heard, they are throwing bags of shits over the fences, them not having water will make the authorities restore water as they won’t want to wake sleeping dragons, or rather; Cats and Dogs (names of the most violent gangs in the centre).

Tapped into my reserves, showered and washed my training gears, but minimised water usage, as nobody knows when water will be fully restored.

Divided the Ox-feet soup I cooked early in the morning, and cooking the soup was the reason why I was late for gym. Everyone got a bowl and a piece or two of Ox feet, the lads had cooked white rice, so we had it with white rice or burnt rice. Satisfying and filling.

Took a power nap, but woke up sweating as the lads were distilling, it seems to be their season as many are celebrating one thing or the other. Thus they tend to distil almost every day. What is stopping them now is water; they have reserve tanks filled with water, so they are tapping into those tanks.

Gone is my nap, lately, I’ve been spending more time in the cell and on my bed, even my mate upstairs whose spot was where I sat all night for signal barely sees me. I can go for days without climbing upstairs, once you have anything good to occupy your time, you stick to it and hide away in it. The less they see you, the less you come in their thoughts.

It’s officially weekend, though for some diehards, every day is weekend here; with nothing to do, somebody will always get himself busy with whatever comes up in his mind.

Music and noises all over the pavilion as the lads merry and live for the moment; #CarpeDiem!

Sat, 16 Aug 2014

No general cleaning today as there’s no water, the lads will have to wait till next week or next Saturday to get it done.

Since I’m not working out today and I don’t really workout on Saturdays, decided to lie longer in my bed as the lads went about their morning routines. It’s always chaotic in the cell in the morning, everyone wakes almost at the same time and wants to brush, take a leak or take an early morning shit ;-), our grocer cellmate has figured a way out of that early morning commotion; he sleeps early, as he now has a router to himself, fast and undisturbed access to build up his porn stash, freakin loves downloading porns, back in the streets, lad never had any clue what internet was all about, not even sms, he was very contented with his Nokia handset which serves the purpose he needed it for; make and receive calls. But, slammed up, he was introduced to a different world altogether; facebook, twitter, tango, skype, whatsapp, viber, Line, BBM, Tagged, and the list goes on and on! Even file sharing ;-), now his phones are equipped to handle tons of what will bring him satisfaction but also the cause of his ills; high blood pressure #lmao!

The lad sleeps early to be alone with his women, he has changed his curtain for a more darker one, so we won’t be seeing the flash of his phone when he’s busy snapping pictures of his mojo to send to his cyber ladies. Once gave me his phone to clean it up, had so much open and one of those apps running was his media and behold what my eyes wasn’t meant to see; his mojo and cum! Yuuuuuks! That’s what prison does to men, teach him new ways of relieving himself 😉 he’s so happy to know what he knows now, that telephones aren’t just for making calls. He spents all day refreshing his facebook timeline 😉

He sleeps early and wakes early before others, get his morning shower, buy his early morning coffee and open his grocery, by then, the lazy younger ones are rising. Once I know I’m not early, I will lie back and wait till they are all through.

On Saturdays, the main groceries upstairs are closed, thus, nothing comes in. Sometimes, not even ice, thus, it’s always hotter on Saturdays and that’s the day I try to stay to myself more. That’s if the lads will let me be, some just hate silence, it’s like a thorn in their flesh, especially the young lad in my cell, can’t afford to be in a quiet for a moment. Guess it’s out of boredom, that most can’t stay quiet for a second.

The went on swiftly like every other days, as the sun sets, something most of us don’t really know. With my phones, I can always tell what time it is. The pavilion became alive with the lives of inmates hanging unto life and on the thread of surviving the odds against them BehindBars.

Schat and the kids are in Paris for a summer break at Disneyland Paris, anything positive they have to do to keep them busy and take their minds off me for a while helps. Sometimes, my big girl does feel it and will demand to speak with me. It does help her when we finally speak, but doesn’t help me; as at that moment, progressive unwanted thoughts of failures battles their way into my mind and could really weigh me down. How I felt, letting down my little girl! When such moments rises, failures seems to me staring me right into my heart, but my refusal to accept this mistake as a failure but as a stepping stone to launch me into a rebirth of ideas and a life that my kids will be proud of. It’s not too late!

Schat sent pictures of their holidays in Paris, the kids were so happy but my big kept saying she wished I was there. And she did say, we will all go there when I’m back home. Can’t wait for that moment. Flipping through the new album I have created for their 2014 summer holiday, I could perceive and feel the fragrances and sound of summer. Fcuk, missing my beautiful people 😉

Everything was going on well and normal, as in what is normal in the pavilion, until around 9ish, everything took a different turn for the worst.

Standing outside on the passage in front of my cell, and just under my router for better signal reception, I heard a crashing sound from the cell before mine, peeping in to look what has fallen with such a sound and lying on the floor was our Caymanian inmate and he was lying in a pool of his blood as he bled from a cut to his head. His mates said, he fell off his Hugh bunk hitting his head on the floor, doesn’t sound good and neither did it look good; the lad had probably had a little too much as he tends to past his time with his moonshine. But sleeping so high from the ground, even in normal situation is as dangerous as when one is pissed or semi-pissed!

Dr. Porter was called and rushed in shirtless, checked his pulse and other things doctors do, but he’s limited to the use of his stethoscope and his medical wits and knowledge. There’s just so much he can do in situation like this without machines. After Doc had adviced that he be laid flat, and left, the Caymanian cellmates went to our president and his vice to see if they could call cops to come and get him. None of them could come up with a number, but when there’s music late at night, there will be a number to call the cops and report.

When the lad was laid down and stabilised, I went back to my cell, only to be called back that his shoulder is swollen. Armed with a tube of Diclofenac gel, I went inside the cell again; in trying to communicate with the lad, the paedophile gringo who is serving time for abusing little girls in panama picked up me, saying I’m no doctor, I should fuck off to my cell; well, he sure did get on my nerves. I gave him what he deserves.

Well, he has already gotten what he deserved; couple of days ago, when the lads upstairs started their music around 3am, he got up and shouted at them, one of them eventually punched him in the eye and gave him an artistic black eye. That came as a repercussion to what he paid the Panamanian-American lad who punched Santa the Sikh that was in his cell before they kicked him out. The sikh told me, he knew who did it and something will hit him also. Lately gringo has changed his name to Dillion (calling himself son of god), that he’s saved, started writing songs, apparently christian songs, who knows, probably he knows his time is approaching, want to set things straight. But that didn’t stop him being punched that morning. The punch was for what he did to Santa, and who was the most happiest when he woke up later in the day sitting outside waiting to be taken to the clinic; Santa of course, he called me and asked me, if I have seen what happened to gringo? Told him, I saw it when it happened and nobody in his cell came to his help; every man to himself. They dine and drink with you, but you fight your fight alone.

And that was the fate of the caymanian lad, though his right-hand man stood all night by him; speaking to him, he even stood up to use the loo; but then, like Dr. Porter said “it’s not what we see on the outside, it’s what we don’t see on the inside that is more important”

And those things we couldn’t and didn’t see will eventually snatch him away from us.

We all went to bed knowing there is a sick inmate amongst us, well, those of that really care, others went about their Saturday’s affairs, partying and living la vida loca, not bothered with what happens to another, so long it ain’t them.

Spent the night reading and brainstorming!

Sun, 17 Aug 2014

The sound of our crude alarm system roused me and the rest of the pavilion from sleep. Sundays, being the days I sleep as much as I want, but not today, knowing what happened last night, I rushed down from my bunk bed, armed with my phone I went out of the cell.

Lying on his blood soaked mattress was our caymanian pal, while the lads were hitting and banging on the metal door to alert the cops, who wouldn’t come.

His cellmates said, he started having seizures early that morning, so they had to take him out; seeing the lad, and the condition he was, deep inside me, I knew if he survived this, he will have brain damage, which will affect his life. Little did I know, that will be the last moment we will see him again.

Dr. Porter was called down, as soon as he came, he demanded that the door be hit harder, that the lad must be taken to the hospital. Right in presence, the lad was having more seizures after seizures. Eventually, a cop came, when Doc volunteered to go with them, he refused. Though he went upstairs with the lads that took the sick lad out, they all came back including Doc. The cops eventually took him to the hospital closed to the prison; but then, we wouldn’t know if they took him immediately or delayed as in most cases.

Promises of having a standby medical team round the clock in the prison is just like every other promises; empty and holds nothing. It’s the cops and that’s if they choose to come.

Later in the day, a call was made by a nurse working in the hospital who attended to our ex-president when he was admitted, some say, she is his spouse! She sent a message that the lad has been stabilised, which got us breathing again.

Upon hearing that, everyone was relieved, and most said, they hope, when he survived this, he will change his ways. But then, our joy was shortlived when in the evening around 10pm, the same nurse sent another message that the lad had a tumour in his brain; probably blood clot from the fall. And that he’s on life support machine. That’s when it downed on us, that our hopes is hanging on a fine, thin thread that can be broken any moment from now.

His cellmates kept communication with his families in Cayman Island all night, and I believe the family also called the hospital.

All throughout the night, the pavilion was quiet, but tensed as we awaits what next will come from the hospital source.

Everyone went to bed, knowing that something is coming tomorrow; good or bad!

“We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.” – Kenji Miyazawa

Another Dark And Gloomy Day!

Monday, 18th of August 2014

Many woke up to what will be a gloomy day this year, and also a family visit as kids are allowed to visit their fathers, uncles and grandfathers. And also, we woke up to the fate of what will become of our fallen comrade in hospital, whom we last heard of, is on life support machine.

As many went out for our fortnightly visit, but this one being a family one, those of us concerned with the cayman lad were worried as what will happen next.

Decided to to hit the gym as it’s now become my drug and addiction and the way out of boredom and means to let off some buildup steam on the inside.

Right into my workout, the English lad who is in the same cell with the Caymanian inmate came into the gym and gave me the latest about Cayman; the plug had been pulled off on the lad, he did called the British embassy and somebody went to the hospital and also the lad’s family has been informed. But at around 9ish or 10am that morning, the plug was pulled off on the lad; thus, started my birthday’s week with a very sad news of another inmate dying out of the authorities negligence. But then, on whose permission before the plug was pulled off? Should be his family!

The lad was due to go home at the end of this year, his families were expecting him home, but now, what they will expect if Panama’s dark bureaucracy will allow, will be his lifeless body. Like I always say, many will walk in through that metal door, some will walk out alive, sometimes not wholly complete, but others will be taken out in bodybags. And that’s exactly what happened to out caymanian mate. What a tragedy, one moment you are chatting and alive, and the next like a leaf in autumn dried, lifeless and fallen, so is our lives! One moment lively, blossoming and the next withered and gone in the wind like dry leaves without life.

Ended my workout to continue with a gloomy and dark day.

The rest of the pavilion that went out on the family visit came back to the sad news, just days after the brawl and mutiny against cops, a mate has died; and all because the cops won’t come for him when alarm was raised.

Being family visit, not much food was allowed, but trust the lads, they still have their ways; many still came in with full bags of food. It’s a pity and very saddened how these lads don’t know how to eat or what food to order from home. If I have the chance to get visit; damn, it will pure healthy food which I can’t get here. But many still stick to what we eat here; my cellmates even get their people to bring them uncooked rice (sold here and cheap, and families can bring in brown rice), white sugar (when brown sugar is sold here), white bread (when they can bring whole wheat bread), cooked white rice (when rice could be cooked here and fresh), they just bring irrelevant things.

The only things they bring in which we don’t get of if we get are at cut-throat prices; seafood (prawns, shrimps, crustaceans, Fishes, meats and even chicken. A mate used to have his girlfriend bring only fried meats, and giant prawns and fruits. Others things that are allowed in are bathing soaps (which the cops at security always cut into two to see if drugs or tiny weapons are concealed inside), tissue papers (white the centre or core removed), washing powders (sold here and cheap).

My mates came back  with enough meats that will take us through two or three days. Despite the mood in the pavilion, many were not bothered, as the dead inmate wasn’t really liked by many due to his drinking problems. Usually, if an inmate dies, the gym is always closed the next day, but with this lad, the latinos won’t bothered.

Day went fast, but loads of food and booze as some took to drinking. But for the lads in the cell before mine and others Caribbean inmates who were friends with the late inmate, it was the darkest moment for us all. Some talked of seeing the late lad in their dreams on the night of saturday/sunday before he died. Too bad, as we didn’t see this coming. That’s another taken away in his prime, and neither will the Panamanian authorities do a thing about #PrisonHealth or change the conditions in their archaic prison systems. One prisoner dead is one mouth and one problem less for the authorities.

Tuesday 19th of August 2014

Up and about, it’s really downed on everyone that the lad has kicked the bucket, gone for good; free from pain, but left the family in pain. That’s death, the dead and deceased  knows nada, but the living and bereaved knows todos that comes with losing loved ones and losing that loved one in prison; #dointimeabroad, far away from home and their reach.

But then, this is prison, a jungle where surviving is largely based on how you can adapt, adopt and improvised. What the deceased lad failed to do, was adapting and adopting to the life in the joint. Some lessons come when they are not needed, and when there’s nothing to learn from it, but a wise or the would-be wise will definitely learn from such impromptu lessons. Who knows, maybe his death will be a lesson for many about the dangers of too-much indulgence of anything being dangerous to one’s health.

Started my day like others, went through my ritualistic morning and headed to the gym. Others went about their daily activities.

Usually when an inmate dies, the gym remained close the day after, as a way of paying or giving the dead a bit of respect. But that has changed as death has now become part of us. The gym was open, many went about their activities, the situation is still bit gloomily, but doesn’t stop the lads from living their lives.

Had a brief workout, there wasn’t much interest in what I was doing, but I did give it my best; my daily workouts is what takes my mind off this shit-hole. Exercises helps condition my mindset and also my health, keeps me away from danger (don’t sit around to listen to what would or could upset me or get me into deep thinking and sets in depression). Glad I made the choice to exercise right from the beginning of my incarceration, and now, it’s very hard to stop me. Wondering, who can stop me;-)

Done and in, life still goes on, but the talk on everyone’s mouth in the pavilion is about the deceased lad. He wasn’t really the favourite of the pavilion, but he did have friends, few drink mates and arguing partners; people who can sit with him all day and argue over trivial issues… like women menstrual cycle 😉

Most talks or conversations in the pavilion were about the dead inmate. For him, it’s all over, but for us, we are faced with our daily struggle to survive, so we don’t end up like him and others who had gone before him.

In the evening, a mate in the deceased lad’s cell invited me to raise a drink for the dead lad. In his one sentence speech, he said “Mark has always invited me to drink with him, but I always tell him later”, but at this moment, and since he was man of the bottle, always seen around with a cup, either half-full or empty, very rare to find him without a cup. Thus, we sent him off with what he love doing most; drinking, but we did the proper rum and not our cheep lethal weapon #prisondistilledliquor

Thus, we all raise a toast for him and pray for his troubled soul to rest in perfect peace. Drank a shot of rum, proper rum, though cheap-broke-ass rum, but being from the streets, it’s better than our moonshine or distilled liquor.

Back in my cell, spend the rest of the evening and night in my bed; brainstorming and thinking of the fragility of humans, how at one moment we are full of life and spirited, and the next we are like a balloon that all its air has been deflected; life is all gone. It’s our lives and our fate and destiny.

Friday 22nd of August 2014

#WOW! Thank God I made it to my fifth birthday behind bars, since my day one, I have seen many fallen and most recently, the Caymanian inmate who died on my birthday’s week.

Up and about, but wouldn’t just sit back as it’s my birthday, decided to give me a quality time in the gym, that’s my birthday gift from me to me. Did an all-body #HIIT #Hardcore routine, torching and touching every body part. Enjoyed the first part of my day’s celebration; the gym!

The lad bought a massive chicken and I also bought lungs; cooked soup (Sancocho), cooked enough for twenty three inmates, loads of vegetables, the lads had their fill, and then into drinks. An inmate selling proper rum gave me a litre of the good stuff, that will set him back some good prison dough. Used three gallons of my wine, and the lads got more liquor from their stock. Kept to my wine as I want to be in control of the situation.

Rounded up before 11pm, but others continued, this time, it’s not my birthday, but just an excuse to get pissed. They drank through the night, and I know it will continue the next day.

Glad the day went well and no brawl as a result of liquor, not even noise as others does when they have their late nights drinking sessions.

Saturday, 23rd of August 2014

Woke early before others to clean up what the young lads left littering around; empty plastic bottles of powerade, cans of coke, and wash up all the things we used for last night soup.

The rest got up to start their day, not enough water for the general cleaning and washing of the cell, thus, it’s postponed till tomorrow if water comes. If not, it will be next saturday.

Like always, the drinking session with latinos doesn’t start and end at one sitting, some take it damn too serious and personal; a do or die affair. It goes on for days until the taps are all dried up or fight breaks out, freakin love the latter 😉

There was a lad, whenever he starts drinking, he does it for four good days nonstop! After the fourth day, he becomes sober and continue with his life as nothing happened.

And so it does continued in my cell, the lads woke up to breakfast and hit the bottles once more with all energy in them; music and chattering.

The drinking went on all day, I had to leave the cell as they want me to drink with them. When I came in, two had vomited; that’s what happen with more drinks on empty stomach, then rushed hot soup, and then throw all out. What a prick they are! why drink and become sick? The bad thing with these lads; they just don’t know when to call it quit or when to say it’s enough. If you drink with them and call it quit, you are seen as weak-minded or flojo in spanish! But, then after the drink has set in, who is the weakest link? 😉

The slim lad in the cell, is always going into the toilet to induced himself into vomiting. So drunk, he sat on the toilet floor with his head inside our shit-bowl! Pathetic, what alcohol can do!

They all drank into the night with more coming in and going out of the cell. Well, not my wine as we finished that on my birthday. They are doing the hard stuff; liquor and they drink it pure! The toll of it will be see on sunday! Can’t wait to see what will happen!

While my mates and their pals drank, I kept watch over what might go wrong. Something always go wrong when intoxication sets in, the moment alcohol gets into the system, they either acts funny, stupid, gay, or become aggressive. And whatever form or acts they take on, doesn’t end well.

Sunday 24th of August 2014

Saturday night into Sunday’s morning, just after 1am, the last three lads drinking climbed and piled themselves into the highest bunk in the cell, fcuk-a-duck, hope nobody falls. Freakin scary, just few days after Cayman fell off his bed and kickced the bucket. Well, they went on taking turns drinking from one cup, as good mates, but can easily turn their backs on one another.

Suddenly the music changed from vallenato (a Colombian folklore and national music) to Panama’s ghetto gangster rap, it freakin pissed the older slim lad, who is always inducing himself to vomit (what on hell should make him drink to get sick and then induced himself to vomit)..

As the two younger lads started singing or rapping along the music, the older lad went mad, told them why did they change his music to “Musica Marijuanero”…. literally meaning “Marihuana smokers musicc”. On hearing that from the corner of my bed, I couldn’t help laughing. And more laughter followed as he tried descending down the narrow ladder but fell, grabbing our toilet’s curtain, tearing everything down. He was lucky our gay mate was there to hold him, despite himself having had a few, but was still in his senses. The old lad retired to his bed, but we were yet to see the last of him.

Decided to stay up as it’s morning back home with schat. We chatted all through the night till early morning, then a message came in from my mate who is now home with his wife and kids. Lad has been away for a long time, but finally freed and made it home alive. He was surprised at the changes he was seeing around him, the world seems to be revolving faster than we thought. Especially when you are incarcerated and you don’t care about kowing what is happening outside the four walls of your prison world. So much is happening; politically, economically, socially, and just about everything is going through changes at a very fast pace. Despite being blessed with corrupt cops and wardens, who will get us whatever we can afford and having cutting edge technology in our hands, many of us are still locked up from world’s events. Well, they intentionally do, as they can access all sort of information at the clicks of buttons. But my mates are contented with browsing for the latest hardcore porn, something to help calm their nerves.

Finally, packed up after the lads have given up drinking, they got tired from drinking. And all slumped down up high the bed.

Slept for less than three hours, woke up as it became noisy in the cell and in the pavilion; very edgy as we are on full alert of a search.

The drinking party also got up, and went straight to their drinks, more joined them. I believe this will be the last day of their drinking session. And something is definitely going to happen before midnight.

The only one not drinking, is the the old lad who almost fell down on his way down the ladder. His hangover is telling on him, he’s busy trying to cure himself of what he had caused himself; regularly visiting the toilet to induced himself into vomiting. The toilet floor and seat are all covered with his phlegm. It’s going to be a very long day!

The youngest lad also vomited on the floor, seems the party will be over now. It beggars belief why they like drinking until it makes them sick to death.

All through the day, it’s nothing but the lads and their friends drinking. Funny thing with them, when they are drinking, they believe they are invincible!

Thing turned sour in the evening when the old lad started groaning and wailing in his bed, that he’s dying! Now shit has hit the fan! The moment of truth has come. This will be his third time going through this, the first time, we all thought it was his body trying to adapt and adopt to our prison-brew or distils. Then the second time, we thought he had a little too much. And now the third time; he did it to himself. The lad rarely eat healthy, he thought he was dying, but I know he wasn’t as the alcohol was causing wreck to his system.

The lad started crying, he will miss his son and his money! The latter got us laughing even at the face of his condition. I had to asked him, where the fuck he buried all his money ;-), he was short of breathe, but finally we got him stabled. Without calling on the cops as they won’t nothing.

I made him honey/milk to drink, to help with the hangover and what demon was troubling him on the inside 😉 since he found out that his wife is being banged by another man, he became withdrawn into his little world. Well, he caused it, when he newly arrived here, he was freakin controlling; always telling or rather ordering her to take pictures of where she is and at odd hours and send them to him. He once showed me a picture his wife took with her blackberry, not knowing that the phone generates numbers system for pictures as names. But, my mate saw it as the time she took the pictures as it contained 2000 (thus, he thought she took the picture around 8pm) when he told her to take a picture of herself in their home around 11pm. What a wanker!

At the end, she still did what she has always wanted to do; got laid and still getting laid by her multiple lovers.

Another freed inmate who is on the streets, just found out that Santa Claus has a bouncing gift for him waiting 😉 his missus with whom he has two kids and was banking on going home to her warm arms and cleavage is pregnant for a married man and is due to put to bed in December. Like always the lads here are taking the piss off him; they say, he made the baby through telephone and chats!

Such is the life of a prisoner, win some and lose some, but the losses always outweighs the winnings.

Back to our long dark night, we were able to stabilised the lad and got him back to his bed. All back to their bunks, can’t sleep any more, started reading, and then came the crashing sound as the lad sleeping on the makeshift bunk above the toilet came crashing as he was descending his ladder to use the toilet. Being young and still active; plays football and he’s a good footballer, he quickly got up and got himself together. But ended up sitting on the loo for an hour, had to get him out and back to his bed. We had him changed his sleeping position so the most part of his body will be secured from falling.

Couldn’t sleep anymore, as the slim or tiny lad was wriggling in his bed from pains of alcohol taking its toll in his fragile frame and system.

What the lad is going through now will continue for at least two days, freakin don’t understand why they like drinking until they fall sick. He barely eats, and when drinking, he never want to be outdone and his body can’t handle so much pure alcohol which is distilled here.

I believe his missus who has gone into the arms of another man is driving him nutters! The gay lad did give him a piece of his mind once, lad told him “As you are touching my butt, someone else is touching another’s butt outside”, we don’t need to be told what that adage mean. We all know, that somebody is shagging the slim’s lad missus and it’s driving him crazy and he’s withdrawing into a world of his own. I pray he finds the strength to come back from that withdrawal as it won’t do him any good. Instead, it will be killing him softly, eating right from his inside.

Mon, 25 Aug 2014

Woke up a bit late, guess my late sleeping attributes to this new trend of mine. And then, have to wait for the lads to go through their morning rituals before beginning with mine as I wouldn’t want to come in anybody’s way, and I hate early morning brawls and neither do I want anybody to begin one with me.

Almost done with all I needed to do, then came in our royal highness; the queen of the hive or the pack. Probably the most important person with something different from us which makes her an asset here 😉 our reina, the shemale and her bestie. She came flashing her enormously DD Cup and, asked me if she is getting fatter. Jokingly, told her she is been swallowing loads of protein, she shouldn’t be swallowing 😉  she literally flashed me and the lads her enormous tits. Then, I told her to join the gym, she replied (making sign of giving blow job with her hands to her mouth) that her gym is blow job, and I asked her again; cuanto? (how much), she said, meet me in my cell ;-),

For real, at an agreed price, the lads relieves their build up tension through her nightly service. At least she is the only doing community service here, helping many who fancy her good old service. She did got my mates giggling all day. She has no fret, only don’t just owe her, make sure deal done under the cover of darkness is tightly sealed, that even her errand boy (the scouts for clients for her and also watches the passages for incoming intruders), wouldn’t say a word; thus, he too must be taken care of by her clients. What a good business scheme going on here.

Heard that, it’s the Mexicano vampire who stalks the night and darkness that arranges clients for her. And there is this lad who owes him his cut for a service he rendered, the lad hasn’t paid or refusing to pay, now the Mexicano is taking his dirty laundry to the public, everyone now knows, the lad got “Blow” but refused to pay. Well, the lad seems to be screwing anything with hole; he was once caught poking his fingers into the hole of a younger lad who used to live on the top of his cell; what men do under the cover of darkness 😉

Hit the gym late, but pulled through a good #HIIT #Hardcore Chest and triceps. Sometimes getting late to the gym, I tend to have enough of what I need for my workout and less sarcasm 😉

Went outside for a quickie bouts of cardio and good stretching, also used the monkey bars for dips and some sets of inverted rows. Added some jogging and brisk-walking as I was becoming tired due to the hot afternoon sun.

Done and in, a bottle of gatorade for the fat-looking cop who allowed me out, have to do that for another day. Nothing is free on the inside, I guess the Dutch and British are realising that as they both want prisoners to be paying for time spent in the slammer; something like a hotel, but you aren’t allowed to bring in a broad and get laid 😉

Inside, my mates are busy from one topic of subject to another, just about to keep them  busy. Not everybody can sit in total silence with books before them, one of my mates once told me, I will go crazy for reading all nights. Little does he know that it’s that silent moment in my little world do I rejuvenate and restock myself to take on another day or anybody that comes my way. Everyone here has got his source of strength and what keeps him going.

Tues, 26 Aug 2014

Woke up around 1am and stayed up till 6am, went back to sleep, waking up around 10am, and called off gym today. The body need some good rest.

Spent all day in the cell, occasionally going out to get some ice and do some walkabouts, but there’s so much people on the passage, very hard to move around without bumping into someone.

Nothing special today, but schat always make each day special with tales from home, how the kids are doing and how my lil girl is raiding her bed, she wouldn’t want to sleep in her own bed. But she did say, “when daddy comes back, will I be kicked out”? She knows what she’s doing, thus, she has plan B ready and waiting. Can’t wait for the curtain to be drawn and this chapter of my life closed for good and forever.

Wed, 27 Aug 2014

Having slept early around midnight, woke up around 4am to use the loo, couldn’t. Get back to sleep. Thus, picked up my phone and travelled the world online; read through news as it happens in Europe and other places. Ran through my twitter timeliness and did some writing, also updated my BB10 O.S! Freakin massive, glad it went through. Finally decided to hit my bunk just before 6:30am, then the early birds were rising from their different cradles to face and conquer the day or be conquered and shattered by the unseen forces that lurks within and amongst us.

Saw the binmen when they went around emptying our always-filled bins, the #Starbucks lad up in cell was brewing fresh poor quality black coffee, which he kept increasing the price per a little cup; last time I bought one it was 45ct, heard he’s probably selling for 50ct now or more. It started from 25ct just last year, wonder if there’s no prison economist to Freakin keep track of our prison inflation. Once prices shoots up, doesn’t come down, instead it rises till one just can’t afford it any longer, then comes choices and decision making. It’s either you open your eyes and buy it or forget about it. There’s no instruments or financial tools to keep check of price fixing or inflation, it’s a free and open market where anyone, everyone is free to trade whatsoever he has and at whatever price he so desired.

If at the end, if nobody buys, he will either reduce the prices in order or be forced to consume the items if they are edible or sell them at giveaway prices, and that’s at one’s loss.

My former boxing-cellmate got up and went straight to his #ClashOfClans games, lad and his crew are so addicted to this game. Not bothered with such, alright with #CandyCrushSaga;-)

The new cop’s chief has refused to sign their permit which allows the boxers to train every morning; which is very bad. That early morning has been of great help to many of them.

Back to the man’s poor quality coffee, it sent me into the cell from the door where I was sitting to set a pot on the stove for a good brew of my #greentea with cinnamon, made my tea and kept it beside me as I round up my early morning browsing. Finished my tea and rushed back to bed as it will be school for me later today. Heard it will be the last day at school and graduation will be in December. Hope the lousy workers upstairs work out my time and reduce the school time from my sentence.

Slept until our PA system came to life with names of inmates for today’s school. Rushed down, brushed and washed my face, no time for breakfast or another cuppa tea, went out and then came the downpour. The police on duty radioed upstairs as the warden escorting us was seated and waiting. The message that came, through was “there won’t be school because of the rain” …. wasn’t bad, got back in, but couldn’t get back to sleep.

Rushed through a breakfast of three hard boiled eggs that came on the breakfast cart and another cup of green tea. Prepared oatmeal, which will be my postworkout meal and zoomed off to the gym. The gym was a bit scanty, my training partners were all through with their workouts, but left enough weights for me to begin an excruciating workouts #Back and #Biceps .

A noisy group joined me, but hurried through my routines and left the stuffs for them. Couldn’t go heavy on some of the exercises as my back hasn’t fully recovered. Instead went high reps on pull-ups and also added a finisher of hanging legs raise.

Finished as lunch came in, back in the cell, enough water as all our tanks were filled and overflowing. All we have to do, is enjoy while it last, as nothing last forever in prison, especially what I have got to know about our water problem. There would be flood one day and another drastic drought that could last for days or weeks. So we enjoy it when it comes. Washed my gym wears and had a proper shower.

Picked up the lunch that came as there’s nothing special in the cell other than my expensive broccoli that I’m yet to pay for it. Collected enough soup that came on the lunch cart; supposed to be chicken soup, but we got chicken skin soup, as the lads working in the kitchen had nicked and sold the real thing. Will pimped it up with my broccoli and the rest of the boiled eggs later for my dinner. The oatmeal I made in the morning was my postworkout meal and lunch.

Wanted to nap, but couldn’t, picked up a new book and started on it; on #KarlMarx: Essential Writings of Karl Marx by #DavidCaute. Having read a concise biography of Karl Marx, curiosity took over me, in wanting to know more about this one man whose writings has become gospel to many people across different cultures.

Will take a while to finished it as I’m also reading other materials on fitness, sport nutrition, and online articles randomly 😉

Thu, 28 Aug 2014

Up and about and bent on hitting the gym, the pavilion is literally dry, no proper food for some days now. Eggs will be ok for me, but it hasn’t come in, almost two weeks now.

Having slept late, I hung on to my sleep, finally up and dressed up for the day and for the week’s headcount. Rushed through a breakfast of tea and bread, not healthy but then, this is prison. Done with whatever is available.

Made an early entrance to the gym, shoulders day! Started early as others waited for the cops whom we saw walking towards other pavilions. All our stuffs are well stashed, thus, no panic for now.

Started my workouts with the heavy routines; military press and barbell shrug. Then, went on to other exercises for shoulders combing them with intervals of abs.

The cops finally showed up, went out and continued to keep my body warm; stretches, inverted rows and dips, added some sprints, steady pace jogging and brisk-walking. When we finally got in, the cops wouldn’t allow anybody in the gym till the calling of names will be over. Spoiled my morning.

When I went to pick up my gym box, some lads were training, had to join them and finished my workout very good and rewarding;-)

Done and in the cell, doing my best possibles to avoid certain things in my cell. Rushed through postworkout meal of bread + peanut butter and cold gatorade drink. Showered, and washed my clothes, then hit my bed for a much-needed  quick power nap.

Nothing to do today, well, loads for me, as i’ve got loads to read and write; working on eFitness outfit, started with tweeting, Instagram and facebook page, pray to take it to a different level once I’m done here and out of here. Already, I’ve got loads of the lads here, who count on my guidance as the workout everyday.

Fri, 29 Aug 2014

As at 4am, I was still awake, then cops came for my cellmate for a hospital appointment. Like nations raises alert levels, so has Panama raise his alert level, all because of his silliness and stupidly actions. Armed cops were dispatched with extra riders, all in full battle gear and all came for him.

Heard him rambling through his stuffs and also heard the lad that came to call him, that there are loads of cops outside waiting for him. Our alarm was not raised as many knew they weren’t here for search but to pick someone for appointment in the city.

As soon as he left, I tried to get back to sleep, which never came as our alert level in the pavilion was also raised. Intel came in that there’s a search going on amongst the local pavilions, got us all up, sorting and weeding through what needed to be hidden from prying eyes of cops and what we can proudly flash in their eyes; things they want but can’t have 😉

Quickly disarmed my phones, took out the memory cards as they worth a lot, wouldn’t sound good losing both phone and memory card. Sent the phones to be stashed, but the alert level was relaxed as it started raining; cops that can’t take prisoners to school when it drizzles, can’t fucking risk coming for a search when it’s raining. If there’s an escape, they can control it because of the weather.

Didn’t make it to the gym as I didn’t get enough sleep, planned sleeping later in the afternoon. Got my phone out and spent few hours upstairs till lunch came, and then headed downstairs, got my shower and had brunch, before trying to get some nap. Slept for a while, but the tension of the search wouldn’t allow me sleep deep, and my mates kept their noise very high and loud.

The rain didn’t give us water enough to take us through the day and tomorrow, and water didn’t come today. So we are running dry soon, hope my cellmates will realised that and change their attitudes towards their usages.

Weekend as usual, life gets into full swing with inmates doing what they love doing; whatever makes and keep them happy.

Sat, 30 Aug 2014

Since yesterday’s search scare, guess no-one has really slept deep, woken twice to use the loo and finally woke up before others around 6:30am.

With only eight tanks of water and a half-full of the blue tank, we won’t be having our weekly general cleaning today.

As the new man started his little cleaning of the toilet and shower room, water came rushing, but it’s too late as he was almost done to begin the big cleaning. Also better for me as I planned hitting the gym today. Didn’t train yesterday as I tried getting enough sleep which I didn’t get on the night of Thursday/Friday. Glad I slept well after drinking #LindenTea, slept very well, woke today rejuvenated and energised.

Quickly made a pot of oatmeal and also downed a cuppa of #greentea / #CinnamonTea, wasn’t bad for the day’s starter, got me warmed up, took few spoons of oatmeal and off to the gym; been a very long time I trained on a Saturday. The gym was bared and scanty, but enough weights at my disposal.

Started with warm ups, stretching, lunges and body-weight squats. Then hit flyes and then barbell; hit 265lbs, not bad, as I wasn’t planning going heavy. Sometimes lifting takes off the weights from one’s shoulders, the weights of life BehindBars 😉

Enjoyed the workout today, and the three lads who joined me did very well and were very good spots. We rounded right before noon; the closing time for gym on saturdays, Mon – Fri is till 1pm, then the handballers and footballers or basketballers depending on the days of the week. One thing I hate about contact sports in prison, it breeds enmity and enemies makes use of the contact in the sport to attack or get even with their foes. Most times, little altercations boils into serious brawls that doesn’t end on the courtyard, but taken into the pavilion and sometimes spilled outside to the streets. So, I’m contented with my regular fitness and workout routines. Occasionally take boxing lessons to also boost my cardio, but won’t go into anything that will lead to another thing.

While we worked the weights, the boxers and those who wanted to up their cardio took to sparring with the professional boxer who is spending some time off ring in the joint. Lad has become the trainer to many lads who either want to vent out their anger on something, and to the younger ones with hope of getting into boxing once out of here.

Rounded up, set my trainers and belt outside in the sun, inside, quickly grabbed a cup of ice for a chilled gatorade drink. Enough water today, rushed through the last of my oatmeal, cooked the lungs I bought yesterday, loads of green pepper from my gayly mate who has now taken over the vegetable business after the other was released. He always picked out the about-to-spoiled ones and drop them for us to use, along with onions, parsley and other vegetables. Thus, used them richly today for the casserole, added curry and cumin for a mouthwatering flavour.

The lads didn’t cook rice, so I picked up the half-cooked rice on the lunch cart, recooked it again for the them, but ate the beans that came with pig tails on the lunch cart. The beans was filling, had it with boiled eggs from yesterday’s breakfast 😉

For dinner, had my lungs casserole and boiled green plantain, too late to do rice, the lads had rice. The only one who didn’t eat was our pharmacist-cellmate; lately he does his own thing, buys cooked food from his mate, the lad doesn’t contribute to our cooking system. Thus, I’m always frank and candid with him when I cook, he’s not getting not even a teaspoon of my sauce. That’s one of the way we adapt and adopt to prison life for optimum survival, don’t get fucked and don’t fuck nobody. Lad doesn’t give none his medicines for free, we all pay, thus, if he has to eat with me, he must contribute or pay. I help him with his phone for free, others, I do tell them to get me a can of drink or a bottle of powerade. But him, freakin miser! I always know how to handle him well and put him to where he belongs.

After shower, decided to spend all day in the cell, it’s 22:17:25! Watching #UFC, better than going out to get disturbed or hear some trash. Loads of drinking going on tonight, fiestas going on. Maybe celebrating the seven newbies that were hauled in yesterday to begin their journey of uncertainties, one that none of them know where it will lead them to.

Been chatting with a lad who was thrown out of our pavilion after he had a fight with another inmate. Luckily, he was sent to pavilion 8 behind us, the second pavilion for foreigners. But being an aggressive person, he also got into another fight there. After the second fight in pavilion 8, then can bring him back here, he was thrown to the dogs; sent to live with the locals. Sent to pavilion 1, one of the most dangerous pavilions in the centre, even cops are scared of entering the pavilion with arms, as the inmates there will jump them.

The lad was telling me about the ordeals he’s going through, living with the locals. I kind of pitied him, but he deserves it, as he didn’t learn from first experience after the first fight in our pavilion. When he got to pav8, he was so happy, as he had a bed, he was telling us then, that it’s better there than here; they have beds, constant water and no cops, but wardens who smuggled in whatever they want and can afford. It was good life for him, but he abused it and fought again; thus, he’s been punished now.

The lad told me how the pavilion is ruled and ran by gangs, everything comes in smoothly; that I know, as almost everything we get here illegally comes in through the locals. Foreigners aren’t allowed to deal directly with main source, main source(s) deal with their fellow countrymen (the local inmates), who now deal with us, maximising their profits.

He is the only foreigner there, as a Costa Rican inmate who was with him escaped; the lad with another local just walked out and gone with the wind. How easy to escape and many of us are still slammed in here.

He wants me to send him books and magazines, will do that ASAP! So long they will keep him busy and out of problems. Pray he survives life with the locals as they aren’t easy to live with, once lived with them in #ElRenacer #Prison, it was one hell of a life with them; even when begging for a dollar, they are armed with knives and become aggressive when one say NO!

Life BehindBars is not an easy one, sometimes you think of the other man’s problem as more than yours, forgetting than you are all in the same sinking boat or as we rightly put it here ‘in the same shit’

Pray he survives living with the locals. For him, it might be easy as he lived in Panama for many years before incarcerated. Thus, he knows and understands their ways and he always call himself a gangter, hope he’s gangster enough to face those local lads who will harm themselves to get to their enemies (A failed attempt to assassinate a rival gang member had his perpetrators inflict a serious injury on another assassin who went after their enemy and harmed with a knife; on approaching where his enemy who thought he has outwitted death was lying on the floor while lazy lousy cops went through paper works, the new assassin got up from his wheelbarrow and finished the unfinished job. …. And this time, the lad wasn’t lucky, he later died from his injury on the way to the hospital, while the assassin was treated for the self-inflicted cut to his head and awaits extra time in the slammer! ……such is life in prison!). Some come in for a crime and with a four year sentences, but end up doing twenty years or more!

And for the rest of us here, our lives and fates hangs on what happens on day to day basis. But then, we are the masters of our fate and captain of our souls, how we lay our beds, even on the inside, so we will lie on them.

The deepest sin against the human mind is to believe things without evidence.

“But the man who comes back through the Door in the Wall will never be quite the same as the man who went out.] He will be wiser but less cocksure, happier but less self-satisfied, humbler in acknowledging his ignorance yet better equipped to understand the relationship of words to things, of systematic reasoning to the unfathomable Mystery which it tries, forever vainly, to comprehend.”

—           Aldous Huxley, from The Doors of Perception

Well I think one of the Doors of Perception leads into where I am now; #BehindBars #Lockup #TheSlammer. I hope and pray to be wiser and pray to be a different from one I was when I walked in through that door of perception into a world of uncertainties, one of disappearing hopes and dreams. A world where almost everything are build in the air, dreams are longed to come true, but like vapour, they vanished into thin air. A world ruled by violence, one words should be thought over before utterances are made! It’s my world for the moment, and I live for this moment but my heart belongs somewhere far from here.

This man who walked out won’t be the same when leaving……. through this door of perception #PrisonExperience!

#Panama #Nederland #Gevangenis #PrisonViolence #PrisonBreak #HIIT #Hardcore #Fitness


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