A man must accept his fate or be destroyed by it !!!

“Waiting for the end to come, wishing I had strength to stand, this is not what I had planned. It’s out of my control……so many things were left unsaid……..and undone” [sic]… #LinkinPark (Waiting for #TheEnd)……  What a beautiful song, with powerful lyrics; worth a meditation!

In time of happiness we enjoyed the music (the instruments and the noise), but in those sad moments, we begin to see and find true meanings of every words of the song’s lyrics. In my 3yrs behindbars, I have seen men shed tears as certain tracks are played; moment of reflection and sobriety. Some songs takes us aback on memory lane, somehow one get to see where things went wrong, and wished for a second chance; for an amendment and a second chance; which rarely comes or sometimes it comes too late after one is lost and not redeemable from the pit of the #Underworld. But most times as I have seen among my mates; that sobriety moment comes after downing large quantities of our potent brew; #Moonshine.

You can’t make positive choices for the rest of your life without an #Environment that makes those choices easy, natural, and enjoyable, Commit a #Crime, get nicked, and slammed in the Slammer; next step; The way out. Way out could come with change of mind; either horizontally or vertically. By horizontally; positive decision to leave the crime game and vertically; skills and lessons learned while behindbars to climb up the ladder of the game.

Almost 3yrs in the Slammer, I’m yet to see any who has been released and had that changed that the government are talking about on daily basis. The most, one will see or notice within the system; are ex-#Inmates jumping on the evangelical bandwagon to become prison pastor or chaplains (many had been accused of gun-running within the pavilions).

My question and fear remains; will all the thousands locked up in panama become #Prison Pastors to stop or reduce the rate of re-offending? Doubt if they will last long in God’s own game……., they couldn’t even last a little while in the crime game as they kept re-offending and are brought back to the joint.

In my pavilion, one is forced to harnessed all the knowledge he could think of for his survival; many are without support from families or friends. Thus, they’ve got to do something to earn money for survival; one have to buy medication as we barely see the prison doctors or nurses. One have to cook; the prison food on its own is deadly, we’ve seen maggots in food brought in for us. Everyone is busy doing one thing or the other to satisfy the other man’s need (it’s all about being innovative), but at the same time making a meagre living. Most build up debts they can’t pay; then come the beating and sometimes knifing. At the end, the debtor from fear of his safety has to look for a way out of the pavilion; even that is not free, has to pay the fat and ugly ladies (why do fat and ugly ladies work in male prison?) and the cops that will enforced the transfer to another pavilion. Then the circle continues, start living on debts till the knife finally get to him…..a crazy life living in a crazy chaotic world.

Wed 5 Sep 2012: Woke up with aches as I’m having symptoms of flu, but made it to the gym.  The door was thrown open for our patio (this happens when the cops feel like), but why open the door for exercises and sport activities when there is no water to wash up after the sweating and dirts? It’s 2 days now without water, and nobody give a sh*t about that. We have to salvage the pool of water outside on the grass for toilet usage. By faith (we all have to live by faith, even for the unbelievers) went out and enjoyed the sun and fresh air.

Spend most of the patio time in the gym as I have more space to workout. Aches all over my body, but I pulled through with my crew.

Today patio was a special one, the Ladees from pavilion2 had their patio same time with us. Gave the lads opportunity to have an impromptu conjugal;) Hihihihhiihihhihihihi;)

It was a big surprise to some new inmates who weren’t expecting bunch of colourful ladeees in swimsuits jumping around in an all male prison complex. But on this day, guess the cops wanted to cheer us up a bit or compensate us for the water crisis….. I, for one, didn’t know that the population of pavilion2 has grown so large (one of my mates said, it will be stinky like fish market there); mucho Ladees, I mean loads…..left me to wonder if all the boys and men in Panama and going under the knife for sex change; becoming Ladees, hope the real ladies ain’t becoming men;)

They set our lads on the edge, many went out with their wooden or plastic chairs to sit comfortably for a better view, well, one of the lads who was in a fight over one of our Ladees, sat all day watching and was speechless as he saw something hotter than what he fought for, the lad was transfixed and lost in time. Our only ladee with tits; his voice alone spoils the fun and after makeup, flippin look like one of those Japanese Dolls….LooOoooL!

Some of our lads definitely did went in to clean up their cum after the free peep-show today. Many exchanged numbers; that’ll be for photo-exchange later on in the day. It was a field day for the lads today. The new lads weren’t left out, they’ve been told of that side of town, not until today, they beheld the wonders that lurks in that side of town. What a glorious moment for them; Welcome to #LaJoya (The Jewel of the Jungle, #Panama)!

Finally, the system denied us water for 2 days on, but the heavens smiled on us; it rained for couple of minutes and we had all our tanks filled, was surprised as my cell mates all went up to fetch water, not leaving it for one or two to do. Later praised them and told them; working as #Team, we can achieve more and on time. I have always been on the lookout for the little one. Use the opportunity to wash all my gyms clothes. What a big relief! I hope it’s not flu I’m having as I want to workout tomorrow.

Many’re asking me for antibiotics; despite my continuous preaching on the dangers of popping antibiotics unnecessarily, who knows what they have in them. But I don’t have any at the moment.

The chicken that came with the lunch; was flippin rotten, many ate it that way, others tried to make it edible by re-frying or cooking it again with spices. But, it’s fucking risky to eat such after seeing the state it came in today.

We enough water to brew and distil our moonshine, found some new recipes online and want to try them out. There’re many leaning on the bottle to take away their misery, but little do they know, after sobering and they come out from the illusions, they’re back to square one; where they all started and then more drinks. A never-ending circle.

It’s 04:43:35 on Thu 6 Sep 2012; my mates worked all night and my new moonshine ain’t bad at all; bottled and label it, one could make a fortune outside. But this is for the inside as the lads need to stay happy and high all the time.

September 6: my son’s 6th Birthday missed 3 birthdays now, prays he forgives me for these missing years in his life. How he wants me to back home soon, so we can do things father and son does; kick some footie and have our manly pet talks. He loves his toys and gadgets just like I do….and Monster Trucks;)

Looking up to that day…. When we can do loads together, I know it will come. Happy Birthday son, our good Lord will watch over you to protect you and keep you strong. Such a funny lad, when I ask him if he’s been a good boy, his response; “Daddy I’m already a good boy”…what a smart kid. Bless him.

My flippin nose is blocked and sneezing; guess the flu is setting in, maybe bathing with the cold rain water worsen it. Well, got to start damn treatment. Hope it doesn’t stay long. Gotta start learning to dress a bit warm; can be blazing hot here.

Hit the gym today and did a splendid hardcore #Back workout with my #Triceps. We had our head-count, all complete as none as gone #AWOL. One of the new lads asked me, if we’ll be having patio today, the lad loves the treat he was given yesterday; the free freak show…..having patio same time with the Ladees from pavilion2, he can’t wait for more of such free show….Hahahahahahahahahahaha 😉 there’s no qualms, so long it helps him with his time, as time in #Panama’s prison is unpredictable.

Once one is arrested or accused of any crime, no investigation of any kind, he/she is thrown into one of their crowded prison, it could take years before anything will be heard of him. If he/she has no one outside to do the running around between all the offices; he/she is doom. Such is the fate of many unfortunate inmates in my pavilion. Many are awaiting trials, many have been here for months and years without statements taken from them. Many get to see the state prosecutor after years and when finally in court, hefty sentences are ended out. What a draconian system, only in #Panama.

Uneasy, they say lies on the head that wears the crown. #WikiLeaks and #American #govt made things so hard for #Martinelli; now the masses are demonstrating against a proposed plan by the ruling party to change the constitution in the favour. That seat of #Presidency is flippin hot for this man.

Many of my fellow inmates are yet to understand the act of politics; take anything and everything said or uttered by a politician with a pinch of salt, so you won’t live on those words. During the last activity in the complex; promises were made on the state of affairs relating to prisoners, I guess the dude has forgotten what he said; “Our prisons are overcrowded and many of the foreign inmates are house in maximum security pavilions, efforts will be made to repatriate foreign inmates to their home-country”. I assumed he said that to make us happy for the moment. The dude didn’t addressed the pressing issues we are facing at the moment; electricity, water, medicals, food, sanitation, and overcrowding.

Many of us are lucky to have bed-space, the newcomers are left to salvage what space they can find around. Those with money can build for themselves a nice box-like cell on the top of the cell that accepts them. Imagine being locked up in a prison where you have to build your own cell, construct your bed and eventually get a padlock for your own safety…… Such is the prison system in Panama, flippin beggars belief; If you don’t have money, you can’t afford to be a prisoner.

Inside the pavilion is a complete and different from world of its own, looking at the building from outside, one will be in for a huge surprise at what he/she will see inside the massive structure. Inside is like a shanty town with makeshift bunks and plywood box-like structures. Every corner round the clock someone is busy cooking, dealing and others are busy on phones or whatever gadgets they’ve got. Now and then, friendly cops or wardens walks in for his share of fun; a soda or payment for favours done. Other corners, music goes hand in hand with drinks, gambling (we actually have a green table; nicknamed it the #CasinoRoyale) and others are busy getting high. The cats ain’t left out, they are busy as well, sleep all day and work all night. On the latter part, thanks to the cats, the population of rats in the pavilion has dropped drastically.

It’s 03:51:42 on Fri 7 Sep 2012! Just left the wailing wall to my bunk; one of our Batmen offered my shaving foam, wonder where he nicked that from, the lad is the #Vampire in the centre, walk and work all night only to sleep during the day. My cats knows him as they spent all nights together.  He’s a nice fella, our shoe repair man, but also got a bad habit which he needs money to support…….#Crackhead. Every money he makes goes into that. Hope he finds his redemption.

Boys will always be Boys, well, maybe with a few exceptions; as I have come to see that, many are becoming girls in jail. And I mean……Many, Mucho…… Well, boys will always want their toys (not sex toys now), talking about gadgets. Being locked up doesn’t stop the lads from gathering trending and trendy top of the range gadgets. The latest #Smartphones, #Tablets and name it, could be find among inmates and many are waiting for updates. Many are having their first encounter with #Technology right inside the four walls of this prison and they’re so overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of things one can do with the smartphones; it’s like getting into #Matrix and being overwhelmed by what secret one can unlock in the Matrix.

My fellow inmates are finding comfort and unlimited pleasures in the cyber world. All thanks to corruption. #Corruption is like a two-edged sword; comes with #Blessings and #Curses, the ill part of it, many wouldn’t like know, but the good part is what is keeping us going;  sort of keeping the lid on the pressure pot, but then for how long? We get all the goodies through corrupt cops and wardens, but others want things for protection and to harm; thus, our knives, guns, poisons, and name them…..the list goes on and on. But one thing, every inmate here have come to learn; we all have our limits, and that’s what keeps us going.

It’s 23:47:16 on Sat 8 Sep 2012: there’s been loads of punching and hot slaps from creditors on their debtors. When it happens, everyone stand still and watch; it comes to mind, rule #1; “Never interfere in other’s business”. Earlier in the day while working out in the gym, suddenly everyone stopped to see where sound of slaps were coming from.

Another brawl, there’s so much talk about the creditor; some said, his debtor lend him a grand to be paid back in dope….flippin beggars belief how the lanky Latvian will snort a grand worth of el polvo blanco in such a short time. Now, the creditor; being one of the old guys here and with a personal gangs of soldiers ready to go into action when they’re called upon, he so feel he’s invincible. And knowing fully well that the Latvian was sent away from Pav8 (Maximum for foreigners) for offences related to his undying habit (el snorting); now nobody will back the lad, so he picks his chance and demands more money from the lad. He knows the lad will cough out the money, can’t fcuking believe how much worth of dope that lad uses. For a grand, he should be snorting a key…..lOooooool;). But at the same time, he should beware that a man who loses everything is capable of anything. The lad has got nothing to live for, he’s like a Junkie. What happened to one of the older inmate could also happened to him; get picked with an ice-picker. Almost killed the old inmate and the lad transferred.

Soon, if the punches doesn’t bring out any dough, he ‘ll bring out his blade; and one thing for sure, it’ll either draw #Money or #Blood. Whichever comes, will bring satisfaction to the creditor and his band of foot soldiers.

This is one of the major reason I find it hard to get into business that’ll involved selling my wares on credit. Most times, you’ll forfeit your money as you can’t be fighting over unpaid debts. But many can’t resist the temptation of the huge profit margin derived from business transactions in Prison; inmates make 10x more in profits, but then not all will be willing to pay their debts; have seen inmates take care of the family financially from the inside; transactions from inside and huge profits enough to meet their family need on the outside. But mostly are hardcore gang leaders, while on the inside got all the power and protection, but once released. Nemesis and karma pick up on them…….ratatatatatatatatatatata…….retributions for all the toes they stepped on while on the inside. It happened to one back in #Renacer, Ex-corrupt cop; did his time in a 5-Star jail as the President put it. But when released, didn’t last 24hrs on the streets, #Karma came calling in form of a lone gunman. Such is the life of most inmates.

All night, the fiestas continued and some stayed through the night frolicking and indulging in whatever will bring comfort to them; we’ve learned to tolerate whatever behaviour that allows everyone his freedom while doing his time. But after midnight, the noise must be minimised.

22:44:58 on Sun 9 Sep 2012:

Weekend almost over, Sundays, time to relax and plan for the new week, that’s if there’s anything to plan for. It started well for me, and finding two yolks in one egg; thought it will bring me luck, bought a number on the lotter for$1 to win $50, didn’t win nada…. And my old cell mate; whom upon discovering the new world of smartphones has been jumping from one smartphone to another. And, he’s got new clue what to do other than video chat, exchange pictures, download mp3, and loads of porn. Barely got time for me, as he’s bucking me to help him out with one thing or the other. Now, he’s got a brand new tablet; advised him to get a smaller one, as hiding place is always one’s first priority and also a deciding factor before purchase is made. He went on and purchased a mammoth tablet; his choice of stash isn’t good and impressive enough. Hope it’s safe where he’s keeping it.

Bucking me all day, until I dropped my precious phone; cracked the screen, though manageable but for my work, need it 100% sound. It’s happened, can’t do much about it. Have told him, he should be reading whatever comes on his tablet’s screen and damn flippin messages are in his friggin language; #Spanish! He’s flippin driving nuts. Dude would’ve stick to Nokia or one them Chinese brands he used to own; you can watch TV, listen to Radio, and uses 4 chips….but barely does anything work in the phone.

Sort of a dull Sunday, but glad I’m in the company of my cats, damn hungry and munching up on anything edible. My love for these little feline buddies probably was in my blood, spoken with my daughter today, she wants a kitten for a pet and very serious about it. Wouldn’t mind getting her one when I get home. Missing her like crazy.

The centre is a bit quiet and stinky….the stench from our sewage drains is probably full and overflowing. The government are busy trying to amend the country’s constitution to suit their ill purpose, but seems to forget all the false promises made concerning about the welfare of prisoners.

Gotta retired to my bunk, flippin knackered not in a good mood; my screen need to be fixed ASAP!

What lies ahead of us, no man knows, we live our lives on daily basis; wake up alive, be thankful for the day and pray you don’t step on someone’s toes. Walk and work the day with your back on the wall. Not losing guard or one’s alertness. Constantly on the lookout, does save life and lives.

Every great leap forward in your life comes after you have made a clear decision of some kind ~ Brian Tracy

A faith is a necessity to a man. Woe to him who believes in nothing. – Victor Hugo

Its not what happens to us, but our response to what happens to us that hurts us. ~ Stephen Covey

No law should be more harmful than the behaviour it is trying to regulate (some laws are so draconian in nature that it outweighs the crime or behaviour it is trying to punish; such law comes from politician who believes it will work, but at the end; creating monsters from petty criminals).

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One Response to “A man must accept his fate or be destroyed by it !!!”

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