Monday 15th through Sunday 22nd

Up by 2am from text sent by Schat over Jessie`s wanting to talk to me and her cry that night, how she could hear sobbing in her room after she sent her away, things got worst when she gave her water and Jessie spilled it, she broke down, guess she also felt my absence at that moment as she would had me helping. But then what can I do as I`m thousand of miles from home. At 2am here, it will be 7am back home, guess she will be on way to work, couldn`t sleep anymore as the text wasn`t that cool. Exchange several texts, thought she just wanted to get things off her mind, but whatever she wanted to prove now, can it really be proven as what has happened  has happened. I`m behind bars here in Panama thousand of miles from home and away from my sweet lil kids, for them? the only comfort I can give to them is through phone conversation; owning a phone might be illegal, if it`s the only rule or law I will break while here, I will do it. The phone has been my saviour as we communicate everyday, exchange loads of texts each day, Schat even confessed that because we talk often and she read from me everyday, she doesn`t really feel the absence much except when things like the incident occurs, like the car thing, fixing things at home and when the kids really want me. One nice thing with the kids, once they hear my voice, then seems satisfied and ok, but Jessie always want to know when I will be back home.

Her text made me felt certain things are still untouched, spoilt me  day as I couldn`t sleep anymore, went out for workout, just wanted to do something and put off the negative energy, guess if I was one the Panamanian, maybe would have gotten into a fight. Did workout and jogged till I couldn`t take it anymore and the body just couldn`t keep up with the workout.

After shower, came in and made a power lunch of Beans, eggs and plantain, after my meal watched some music video with our Banker (Pepe); he loves the ones with the girls showing off their assets, what a old Perv he is, he talked of when he was young and had loads of money and loads of women too, told him, well that you gotta either be famous or rich or even both to have loads of everything and sometimes loads of trouble. I have become his call centre as he`s always on me to use my phone, he called for credits as that is the only way he gets money sent to him, I`m the only one he sells the credits to and at a reduced rate. He hasn`t had any visit since he came here, since most of his people are down south about six hours from here and they are poor. Lately he and agent has been getting bits of our food as sometimes we can`t just leave them, I make enough drink for them and they get sauce from whatever we are having for dinner. I guess we`re doing what normal people should do; Sharing, unlike their fellow brothers who will bluntly say no.

Did Called Jessie on the house phone as I was taken by guilt that my kids should not suffer because of my mistake, surprised how she recognized my voice, she was so happy that I called, we talked about loads, surprised how she can hold a conversation with an adult. She mainly reported her brother to me, how he is been using some words he ought not to use, may her understand that he was joking and playing. She felt much better and happier so do I after that conversation.  But I was the happier one, couldn`t help the feeling of how I have wrong them by not being there now and when they really need me most. I initiated most programs that she is following and had vowed to see her through all of them until she decides what she will want to do. I`m happy that Schat got my vision and has been burning the candle at both ends to make sure that Jessie continue even as I`m not there and she really loves her Piano and swimming lessons. We talk about it whenever we get on the phone; she is so happy that she can play some tunes without looking at her books. She has made and given me the zeal to take up guitar lessons while I`m here. I hope I`ll perfect it and also the youths here will allow me learn without nicking it from me. Time they say wait for no one, now I know in full what that means, you play with time and it plays with you making you forget the important things in life. Many are here locked up for years and had all the time needed to make that decision that will bring change in their lives and mostly in the lives of their loved ones, but they never and will never. Lost in the jungle and in oblivion, most will never come out of it even when their time here has been done and they are set free. They will still be working and searching.

Schat and I exchanged some text; no calls as tension was still high, guess Jessie must have told her that I called her. From her text, can tell she was calm now; hope it remains so for a long and longer time.

We had a big dinner, had to stay up to digest a bit before hitting the bed, gotta cut down on my dinner as that is not so good. Maybe half portion every night.  Did some reading from some of the magazines I got from my Consulate. Being reading them for sometime now and it is been very fun and interesting: mostly the Quest, nice magazine with loads of educational articles, shared some of the findings from the magazine with my mates…..kinda quiz and answers thing.

Nite and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Tuesday 16th

Up as usual, loads of dreams hope they all come through; mean the good ones. Too bad to always wake up to my bunk bed in the small room, seeing the same people and seeing them shit as well, happy that it is a bit ventilated compare to most cell that is airtight. Imagine what it will be like inhaling all the farts that we had been having from our Agent and our skinny mate lately and every night.  Who knows what they have been secretly eating, each night we are bombarded from two sides by this fellows.

Most nights I endured their farts; the skinny dude sleep just above me and each night when it comes, gotta take my head to my fan or rub some methol on my nose, locking us up should be enough punishment for whatever crimes we have committed but having this guys shelling us with sulphide gas every night is the worst anybody will wish on his worst enemy.

Well, back to my day, had a good workout, I now believe I will leave here with six packs as most people expect of me. While walking the field, met one of my country bloke; well if you come here and seeing him you will be discourage about getting the six pack thing, he is like Big Tony in Bronx Tale, you don`t walk with him but swim with him, we`ve got many of them here. My mate is due home soon; we talked about loads and life here. Asked him how he had stayed through without fights, he said, just dance to their music and you will stay away from their problem. Pray God for load of patience here; believe that is what anybody in a place like this should be praying for, Loads of Patience and more of it especially with the kids from pabellon area, I have loads from them, of which if I was one of them, guess they wouldn`t try it as they know I can easily call up knives, maybe a gun and the next will be history. They don`t know what NO is or respect, but they want that and not ready to give.

Later on that day, Schat called when Aaron my buddy came to help her with the PC, guess she has to buy another  the one I built isn`t working. She really needed to get a new one as Jessie is using her laptop for her games and school work, while my lil boy stays and watch, love him for that, always watching what her sister is doing, then he will try doing it himself, she is learning loads.

We are cool now with each other, and no more talk about Jessie wanting to call me and over what happened the previous day. Sometimes we need that bit of quarrel to let off some hot air; we know each other too good.

In the centre, one of the boys from Santos (my escaped friend who was slashed) tried nicking a silver or white metal chain from one of the boys in the church, well they all here for homicide, but the later who has turned to God seems to be quiet as he is always seen with Bible and in the church, but things didn`t go the way the other guy thought. Others came in to save the day as sides were taken by friends and gang members. Knew the next thing would have been them drawing knives.

The matter died, and that was it, the kid from the church is pretty quiet and I believe he is on his path to redemption and rebirth, I saw in eyes that he was shaken by the experience, but relaxed as most of the elders from the church came to his help.

The day came to an end and life in the jungle continued, we had a nice dinner and I made my wonder juice which secret recipe I won`t give out on the net, maybe will save it till when I`m out. Each night comes with loads of jokes of what this place holds for each of us and those that will be coming after us. My English mate is really busy with his film project and now he is looking for sponsor, but the director wants to use the film for his career progression, he`s got loads planned like having a press conference; he is the really and typical Latino Prison`s boss we always see in movies, always making money through their own deals in the prison. He`s actually a nice guy whose presence is really felt among the inmates. Most of the inmates are older than him; they walk, and talk to him like mates. I hope there won`t be more escapes that may send him packing as his predecessor.

End the night with my book, lately get so exhausted from my workout that I always sleep on my books, that takes my back to my days back home, while I was living in the campus at the Uni, the bed was a single person bed, but I managed to have my books on my bed and always sleep with them, think I`m used to that and I can sleep without rumpling the books.

Happy that schat and I have sorted things out, next time I will always tell her what I want to do and wait for her opinion and suggestion, hope and pray God that I`m humble enough to accept or ponder over what she thinks. I adore her for her strength and love and how she has stood by me through this period, soon it will be six Months and loads more are coming. Off to another world of dream where no chains and bars can hold me or stop me. Dreams are good and sometimes you come out of it strengthen but others panting and sweating from the verge of death……

Wednesday 17th

Up as our workers were called out, had an early BF, the cream came in pick today, wonder what colour they will add to it next time, still waiting for the day it will come in blue and green, then I will know that we shouldn`t be eating the prison food anymore. Once did my juice mix and the colour came blue, it was like a chemistry class thing, but we drank it and nothing happened. Later next day, knew what happened after looking at my ingredientes.

early that morning while others were still sleeping, saw one of the Custodio walked out with Toño; the guy that came from Colon who was almost in a fight and spent a night in my cell, he left with his few belongings, thought he`s taken away to another prison, but later learnt from his new mate and my country bloke that he is taken to Anexo for his protection. Further learned that he is in debts of more than 800 bucks, took money from people and sweet talked them that he is family is rich and will be coming, but so far nobody has been here to visit him. I guess the authorities here knew his cup was getting full, so they whisked him away for his own safety. But then how safe can he be as people had been murdered right in the Anexo that`s suppose to be a secured area here for vulnerable inmates. I hope they are able to protect him.

Had a nice workout and back to my cell, gotta to do some washing, no soap and the container was also gone, asked others and found out my English mate had the Spaniard did his laundry, but then he also gave him soap, since this guy came in, who knows what profession he had when he was on outside, guess nothing to do with laundry and neither of the others even know how to wash, as they all wash with brushes even on delicate materials. He`s always hanging around the cell door everyday asking for clothes to wash. When I finally met my mate at the library in his English class, he told me he gave the soap to the guy, wasn`t happy with him. Walked up to the Spaniard and took the soap, he tried to explain something, told him if he is serious with his business he should have all the materials needed for his business. He told me that most people don`t pay him, later that day found out that he washes for cigarette and maybe dope if he does it. And some for nothing as the Panamanian ain`t ready to pay a dime to him, he has done some crazy things here and that`s why most if not everybody here don`t take him seriously. He swims in the shower floor when we out in the shower and he had once wore a string and walked around with it after he was paid a dollar to do that. Well this is prison and anything goes. Didn`t take the soap thing any serious as I can always beg for soap from the few inmates that are good with me and wait until I get a new one. I actually ordered extra soap in order to meet our washing needs. I`m okay as we share things but when things like these happens, then what are we going to do.

The agent came back with some of our orders and we did have a nice dinner, I have cut my dinner size half, hope it helps me as I want to get my six packs. Hope Schat will like it as my mate told me of his girl, when they newly mate, her ex was one massive guy with a massive one pack, and she missed that as the one pack was where she rest her hands when she is on top.

Jokes and loads more, and we found out more things about our banker (Pepe), this dude has been busy even before our parents thought of making us and bringing us into the world; 1966 he was 18 years old and was thrown into jail for possession of two stick of weed for personal consumption, what a stupid law, he spent 18 Months for that, losing out the prime of his life when he would have been productive. I guess some laws in some countries are just absurd, locking a youth for minor things like joints and possession of grams of dope is just waste of youthful life, no wonder their prison are choked up with youths and most are re-offenders.

I`m glad of where I come from, even when locked up you still can function as human being and it won`t be for 2 sticks of joints, my mate said that back in my country, that if cops found you with 2 sticks, they may ask to share….. Hehehehehe. Coooool

That evening one of the warden who`s always telling me how many times he sees me on phone came to me for pay, most times he and his mates just bust into our cell, even when the curtains are drawn, they open them to see if one is on phone, well gotta to grease his hand as he was going off, as soon as I gave him what I had for him, one of the dope head who`s always talking and screaming when he`s high, saw me and ran after me, begged me to lend him two dollars as that was what he saw me got from the fiver I gave the warden, asked the warden for change as I told him, I need to buy ice. Gave the dope head, but back in mind, doubt if I will get it back. Just sow a seed of sorrow that will never grow into anything good, maybe that night he will be high on my two bucks. God helps us.

Well, life here really sucks and is also sucking us into an abyss of the unknown. Many as I have come to know really don`t function as real people, they believe they are but they seem not to be.

Loving my new book, can`t stop reading even in the toilet…… guess have discovered more things that can be as addictive as dope. Books!!!!  BUENOS NOCHES!!!!

Thursday 18th

Another beautiful day, full of life, woke up as other days and had a quick early morning shower, warm day and humid, then back to the cell, did some reading when others fully got up, did some workout with the bar in the cell, could lift myself and my own body weight now and it was fun……

Was busy until the of the custodio came calling that my Consul is here to see me, hummmm was lighten up as I thought I will be getting my books that was sent by Schat and other things. When I finally made it outside, it was my contact person, a volunteer who is giving her time for us. Well don`t know what to write but whenever I`m out there talking with her, she gives my positive hopes. She may not have the power to affect anything on our process, but she has the grace to convey a positive message of hope across to those of us that care to listen.

Were given some gifts from her, was grateful as she thought of us to bring some edibles to us, had my cookies as soon as I got in and the rest of the gift I know gotta share with my mates, that evening we had cheese grated and mix with pasta, was delicious, now we have enough green peas to last us for a while as I have chopped them and had them frozen; got them from Bin Laden and cheap though. Hope we get other vegetables soon, will do same and get them stored for each day use.

Our agent has found true love as he always giggling when on phone, I`m happy that he may get his life back on track, he is been going out to work, but always comes back knackered, guess the others always leave the job for him to do while they go about their daily things. Well he likes it and I guess it`s also helping in. Always remind him, if he wins his case against the States, 1M is mine, hope he doesn`t forget that.

Lately we have been having some nice dessert after our dinner, courtesy of one the guys who goes out to work, he gets sponge cakes and other pastries, and since we buy more from my cell, our cell is always his first port of call when he gets back. Love mine with my herbal tea, tonight had mine with the green tea that was given to me by my contact person also cutting down on my sugar intake.

Well, this place maybe shithole according to my Italian friend, but conditions made possible by the corrupt wardens has made it much better than most first world`s prison and that also include prison back home. When I read the news paper my contact person gave me about the condition in one of the prison back home. I guess the inmates there will love to trade for this place, but then when they know of the knives and other weapons stashed here by inmates and also distance from home and loved ones, well then they may consider staying back.

Laws are probably laid down, but nobody gives a shit if the laws are followed or obeyed, back home, they are restricted to the numbers of clothes, cd`s and dvd`s, shoes; while here you can own a whole boutique, nobody gives a damn, people sell clothes here and every other thing you can think of. Food is properly rationed back home, not here where you can take as much as you can waste and chucked into the toilet as that is one easy place to dump things when you feel too lazy to walk to the bin outside the cell or when the cell is closed at night. Our toilet happens to be one that even millionaires will dream to have, an automatic system which the water kept running nonstop, it self flushes itself….. Nice technology and waste of water, while the rest of Panama are crying for clean water, we play with it here.

Now I know why people loses weight when they come out of prison back home, the food is rich but in small quantities and they don`t just eat what and when they want, but eat according to the prison timetable, if it was like that here, most of these guys will drop dead, as food is like dope to most; got one big guy who walks the field everyday, but pilled up the calories when he`s eating again. What a waste of time….

This place is nice as one can have whatever he can afford so long the custudio and cops remain corrupt, our Italians and Spanish brothers all love this place as most are dope and crack heads , but then the other thing, fear factor of what if it happens, sometimes telling someone NO which he doesn`t understand and the unexpected can be just around the corner. No one knows when the volcano will erupt….But God will keep us through. Like the book I`m reading the eleventh Plague, the angel of death will pass over of us.

Thursday ends with beam of smile on my face, as Schat and I talked about the kids and my boy, he`s just past three years, but knows loads and caring, always calling Schat; sweet, darling mummy, hope he`s not like this when he grows as he will be to lovely for the gals and when he`s heart broken, guess he will come crying to mummy. He cares loads about his mum, she told me how she told him one morning that she was sick and when she went to pick him from school, he did asked her if she was better. Waoooooh how good his memory is, if some these lads should have such memories guess they will never re-offend as they will always remember what prison looks and smell like. But they ain`t got such…………

We will sleep while the jungle and its habitant stays up and alive , wonder the guys who escapes how they do it, guess they know the jungle very well, as one will be running and falls into a Boa`s trap, becoming the last supper.

Slept off into the night after reading from my Spanish lesson books; that brings me to my so called lawyer, he ain`t doing much to help bring me radio in, from what Jesus said, he had called his mum once and was suppose to speak with his brother and pick up the radio, that he never did and once I called him, he asked me for Jesus mum`s number again, then I knew he is not damn serious. Well, Gotta talk to my consul if they can do me that big favour by bringing it in. Hope it works.

Friday 19th

Early up and got our BF, did some workout sometimes felt the six pack won`t come, well no pain no gain!!! But I kinda see some improvement in my health, can walk for hours, run some laps and lift myself, just feel better inside sometimes.

My yellow top which was what my lawyer got for me while I was on transit in the other jail, was nicked from the line, I had the sleeves cut off as I used them for training, after training yesterday, wash it and forgot at the end of the day, when I went for it this morning, it was nicked; here these guys nick anything nickable; underwear’s, socks even my mate short was stolen despite having some holes on the back. Well just like the real world, once you are in alone or taking in nap in you cell, you have to lock yourself in, as the cons knows every nook and cranny of the cell and what they can easily nick when they walk in and within seconds. I have 2 more of the yellow Tees and will be getting them out.

After my workout, spent the rest of the day indoors, guess just wasn`t feeling like hanging out, tried to nap a while, but noise from outside as my bed is just beside the Dominoes tables, did some reading and thinking, kinda know how to keep both running concurrently in my mind, guess the human mind is like windows multi-tasking, able to juggle and manage loads of information at same time.

Have a new friend, an old Canadian, nice guy and like reading, in same boat like most of us, he is been away from Canada for more than 25 years, lives in Costa Rica with family, but now has a new address. We always joke about loads of things. Out of my bed, so him sitting alone reading, we chatted for a while, got back in and hopes the day will end quickly.

That evening, we learned of another Escape, guess the director will be tired of this job by now; well the guy that escaped planned it very well and bought his way out easily. He is new in the system and yet to appear before any judge, heard he was caught with over a million bucks in his house, what a rich idiot he is. Can`t have such amount of money and stack them at home, what happened to the banks or proper investment. Well, his case was a high profile one, but he was smart enough to have bought his way through the custodios and even the director, heard he bought air conditioner for most of the offices and usually buys them lunch. He was allowed to work outside in the green area which is very easy to escape from.

Our guy had all planned and made his way to freedom on his daily work routine, he was on the news that evening and his name was read out so everybody would know. We may not know the truth about his escape, if there was any inside help, but he is gone and gone for good.

Guess we won`t be punish as he didn`t escape from his cell, they opened the doors for him and helped him out, hope those in charged with dispensing of jobs for inmates should be reprimand as they do to us. This guy was not profiled before they gave him the job; he was barely 4 Months old in the system, first time arrest, used to luxurious lifestyle, and very subtle n nature as he munched his way through the system.

His talks ended our night, had our dinner and now I`m really bent on cutting down my portion, had a little and loads of drink: not moonshine, which the custodios been seizing from our brewers, bad business for them. Hope I get some proper red wine someday. Got loads stashed at home, Schat being sneaking and drinking once in a while, hope she doesn`t get Miss Rumbling pissed, that`s actually the first name our lil Angel will be getting courtesy of my son, had his ears to Schat big one pack and heard the baby`s movement and told her, Mummy your belly is Rumbling. So we`ve got one Miss Rumbling always rumbling. Maybe I will talk to my custodio buddy about getting me some red, there`s this Spaniard cell with our Italian god-father that never run dry of Ron Abuelo (Grand Father`s Rum). Their eyes are always shining from getting pissed every night, don`t want to know how they get there thing in. So long it keeps them happy.

So that was Friday, actually my English mate, did comment on the night, that it didn`t look like Friday, but like Sunday`s night, well, he is in Jail and I think no day here look like any day outside in the real world. They all look the way you want them to look.

Hit my Bed and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz into another realm or a matrix world, maybe into my own Avatar.

Saturday 20th

Up to wee and saw our old banker praying, never seen him in that state before, I guess this will be his last time in jail. Watched him as he was deep in prayers, I hope God answers his heart`s desires and his supplications.

Remained locked up as the Pabellon guys were out on visit, but our cells were open, so we could walk around and transact in whatever business one has for the day. Our Casino is now help up on the roof of the cells, guess they stay there as to also watch when custodios or the cops are coming, most especially the director, since he issued the no gambling memo. But the custodios, guess they don`t really matter much, if they have the money, I believe they will join on the table and try their lucks.

Did some light workout in the cell, gotta burn them calories, lately been having loads of pain on my right arm, I hope it`s my muscle and nothing to do with my dear heart.  Been taking me medication which is almost finish, thank God I can still get that from Schat as the Prison don`t issue medications to we foreigners. We have to buy our drugs, so not a place to fall sick, my Embassy made provision of multivitamins for us which is what we really need here. Remembered the day I got mine, I was asked by one of the dudes here if I like to sell mine, told him NO. I need it like the desert needs the rain.

Text Perla for his laptop, gotta do some work online didn`t hear from him that day, guess he doesn`t need the ten bucks for the laptop. Also thought of meeting Cara Pony (Pony`s Face), his real name is Adolfo, but according to everyone he`s got the face of Pony, so they nick-name Cara Pony, he runs a bit of internet cafe and loads of guys uses his laptop, don`t know if he will give me his.

Later that evening, no reply from Perla, hope the next day. When agent came back from work, told us of one his colleague who didn`t returned with them. The Director called them out for meeting and had even spoke with the guy on phone, guess he must have been begging the fugitive to get his ass back as his job will be on the line if the guy should truly abscond, hope he gets back. But that won`t affect the job of others as they will still be going out for the school and government offices renovating project in the city; what a way to get cheap labour, not even a dime, the contractor who came up with this plan or idea should be given an award for cutting the government expenses. But from what we know about the Panamanian Politicians, I guess he will draw huge amount from the state treasury for these jobs and the money will end up in his fat ass account and those of his peers.

Text Jesus to know if my Consul agrees to bring the Radio in, if his family will take it to the Consulate, he agreed and that was positive, just hope my consul approves. Will call first thing on Monday to confirm, the Night came up fast and we end it with our dinner, we are running out of groceries, no money to order things. Damn broke….. We will manage till pay day.

Sunday 21st

Visit day for us in the Galleria……  

Was up till the wee hours reading  and finally slept, had a call from a loved one about her marriage, well I will see what I can do, hope I can be of help as I`m here, can only make calls or mail.

Slept until Perla came calling, guess he really need the Ten Bucks, he dropped the laptop with me and went out for his work as he works outside by the visit area doing al type of woodwork. I had thought of going out for a jog before working with the laptop, but then I decided to set it up and get some music from online radio streams. But the signal in my cell was too poor, had to take it to my former cell where the signal was okay, ended up staying there and did all my work, couldn`t go out no more, despite the signal, it was bloody slow. I guess he had used up to his limits as it is capped here in Panama.

He came for it, paid him and asked for some change, he gave me a dollar, didn`t complain; hope I get mine someday and soon.

Sunday went pretty fast, and the evening was dull as Agent messed up with the phone, my heart was heavy, reasons unknown, but I was weighed down, felt so badly within, when others went off to sleep, Jer had some reggae music on and the lyrics were what I needed. I felt like crying my heart out and that was what I did in the succour of my bed. Don`t know why, but I think memories and flashbacks and fear of the unknown and how slow the process is and things not going right. Sometimes music does loads in relieving pains…

Heard that the guy who abscond from his work later came back on Sunday, guess the director will murder a bottle of bubbles for that, his pleading did work, heard the con said he had problem at home, or maybe his missus wanted some reload, but he goes out everyday and as I heard just with the driver and no warden or police, so they always have the time to get a quickie and get back to work. Now, I see all the guys that goes out, they all look happy and always smiling and very calm, I guess men needs that kind of thing to help them relax as Chris Rock said to the ladies at one of his stand up comedy show, give him his dosage whenever he wants it and you can always have him on the tow. Guess the won`t be going out again. Manni always asked agent if he get his knob polished each time he goes out, the guy is the only I guess that doesn`t indulge in it, he is always back knackered from the day`s job. While others come back refreshed and renewed.

The phone would work, finally got the phone working after I almost pull it apart around 3ish, I guess the old machine is ready to pack up; it has done its service. We still need its service until my phone gets in.

Slept after some text to schat and hope she is fine. Please Lord some help will do me loads. Assurance that all is well…. groaned in prayers as I lay waiting to drift into sleep and sleep as long as I can…….. Till Monday morning.


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